Finding Peace

I have been practicing meditation for a few years. It helps me run away from the rush and chaos of my real life, and gives myself some time to recuperate. It helps me reclaim my peace and bliss when I am done with all the stress, arguments and abuse at my workplace. It works as a healing retreat and repairs my head and heart. It gives me a quiet time to just be with myself and think over my life choices.

I was recently asked which meditation do I practice and when did I start. It brought back the memories of the day when I was introduced to Vipassana about a year ago. It is a 10-day meditation course and is known to be a life changing experience for many. As per the rules of the course, anyone participating in the course has to observe silence throughout the duration of the course. They provide simple vegetarian meals. No outside communication is allowed including cell phones and visitors. You can check out the details and the time table here.

It was certainly not a walk in the park but silence was the most enticing feature because it allowed me some time to be with myself. So I took it up.

On the day of arrival, I completed the formalities and went to deposit my cell phone. However, since the concerned person was not available, I decided to come back later and headed straight to my allotted apartment. Once settled, I deferred my visit to the locker room permanently and switched my phone off. The purpose was anyway to keep away from the external world so it didn’t matter I kept the phone in the locker or in my bag so I decided on the latter.

Before calling it a day, we were taken for an half an hour orientation session followed by a light evening meal. We were then asked to retire to our respective rooms.

The next day began quite early. I was still half asleep and so were many of my inmates. I was still better than the others for I managed to take a shower before getting into the meditation. The technique was pretty simple – one had to observe his/her breathing pattern. The first session lasted for two hours – a little heavy for the beginners and that too at 4am.

The next session was at 8am and this one was heavier than the earlier one for its duration was three hours at a stretch. As the day proceeded, I figured that every session was more intense with its duration elongated. By the end of the day, I was actually exhausted observing the inhaling-exhaling process. It wasn’t what I thought it to be. Anyhow, I decided to play along for two reasons. One, quitting wasn't easy and it might create chaos. Two, I didn't want to face my father's fury who was already utterly unhappy at my taking up such a course away from home.

By the end of the third day, I started experiencing severe pain in my back owing to continually sitting on the floor for interminable hours. I requested the management to provide me a chair to keep the situation from worsening. But I was told that it happened in the beginning to many but it usually got better. I was afraid that it was not the case with me.

I waited for another day but I found it extremely difficult to concentrate due to the excruciating pain. I also had difficulty lying in the not-so-soft bed. As they say, “Sleep has to come—one can only go to bed,” I tried inviting the sleep but couldn’t go to sleep. That day, dawned upon me that sleep has to happen and one doesn’t know when it is happening but only realizes in retrospect. In my case, there was no retrospect. Sleep was escaping me yet again. I took up that course to find peace midst the chaos and yet it was the only thing I was missing. I lay awake in my bed until 2am and then got up, reached out to my bag, took out my phone and switched it on. I couldn’t utter a word due to the pin drop silence so I text-ed my brother and asked him to come collect me before I was torn into shreds.

My message made the situation worse. My brother got scared for he thought that I was not safe. I spent next one hour explaining to him that the facility was safe enough in all aspects, only I was not keeping well and they wouldn’t let me out. I also requested him to wait until morning and come up with an excuse to take me home for he couldn’t express that he connected with me in any manner whatsoever.

My brother reached there at 8am and explained to them an emergency at home which warranted my presence. But to his dismay, the manager declined to relay any messages to me for it might cause me disturbance and I might not be able to concentrate then. He smirked at the shallowness of his response and thought that I was anyway not able to concentrate so he better let me go.

Then the manager asked him to testify his identity. Once he did that, the manager demanded to speak with my father to confirm the contingency. When he did that too, the manager again declined to let him connect with me. My brother waited in the sun until 11am before his patience broke. He threatened the manager to call the police if he took another minute to relay the message to me. The manager cowered and requested my brother to mellow down. He then sent somebody to my room and permitted me to leave with my brother.

The moment I stepped out of the campus, I played out music so loud that windows vibrated. I asked my brother to get me a chilled beverage coupled with some spicy snacks. I came back to life realizing that half an hour of meditation was enough to retain my sanity and I didn't need more than that.