I yearned all my life to feel it but now that it’s happening, I can’t approve of it. Every morning when I jog and the fresh, cold breeze touches my face, I feel his presence around me. He is, however, in some other part of the world, probably getting ready to work, completely oblivious of how I feel about him. I brush the thoughts away. I take deep breaths and make myself aware of the environment. The traffic sounds are at the minimum, the waking birds are at their most vocal. I notice the color of the sky, the mood the trees set; and the way the air touches my skin. I consciously turn my mind off. If any thoughts come to my mind, I push them away. I just ignore myself and soon I enjoy nothingness. This is when I feel closest to myself. My inner-self sends me some messages as if by osmosis. Not thinking, but as a sensation, a fact - a feeling, not as a thought. This is what my spirit and soul want me to address but I deign to accept.
It can’t be for real because you haven’t seen him yet.
It has nothing to do with his physical appearance, it’s what I feel for him in my heart; it’s how I feel connected to him in whatever ways. I understand that love needs to be fed and to be cared for. I know that you grow to love someone but it also took me almost three years to feel this way for him. May be it happens that way sometimes. I think at our age, you know what you want, who you are and what you feel. You know when you've found the right person for you.
I coerce myself to concentrate on other people but no one can hold my attention for long enough.
It’s nothing but sheer admiration and respect.
Can you only admire someone for such a long time without ever seeing them or talking to them? I admire many other people but I don’t really care half as much for them. Why is it important for me to know that wherever he is, he is good?
How do you know he is kind and compassionate, you’re just contemplating.
He portrays a tough exterior and he doesn’t allow anyone to peek inside. But he is touched by the warmth and the kind gestures he comes across in life. It takes benevolence to even acknowledge such expressions that can simply be ignored.
He doesn’t take cognizance of your existence.
Over all these years, I learned that love is unconditional. I sense a natural affinity for him which is irrespective of what he feels/not feels for me. If what I feel for him is ‘true’ love then he would feel it in his heart too, and maybe someday he would know what he means to me. Perhaps he is as apprehensive of letting someone in his life as I have been.
What you doing to yourself may be fatal for you.
Love is worth taking all the risks. Can I deny the way I feel? I know it’s a different world where every emotion is circumstantial. Everyone is so practical and materialistic that there is no place for love. Though people pretend to be in love but they are nowhere close. What no one understands is - it is only selfless love that makes a fulfilling relationship, rest all can be figured out.
Then maybe you need to accept it the way it is rather than fighting it. Life will be easier then.
I concede. Sometimes love is all we need to fill that last piece of the puzzle in our hearts. I’ll always be indebted to God for letting me experience the most sacred feeling in the world. He once said, 'give your life a chance or give yourself to chance'. I didn’t know it then that by the time I’ll find love, I will have no time left.
You better let him know about it then.
I know he wouldn’t read my silence but he has an idea (or so I think) and I don’t want to impose myself on him either. Let him decide what he wants. His happiness is all I want. He has been my strength and will remain so always.
Wonderwall - If you happen to read this ever, then I'd like to say that I saw honesty in your eyes and that matters a lot to me. You’ve got a contagious smile that shines through your eyes and goes straight to the heart. There are no words that can express what you mean to me. All I can say is you made this world beautiful by just being a part of it.
Love.
