Privileges that we take for granted!!

I have been blessed to have born in a sovereign uncontrolled country, to have the right to study and to speak, a few privileges that I took for granted until I met her the other day.

Toefl was just a day away when she had run into me. She appeared edgy but it was baffling for me to see someone in a dither over a language test, especially a language we have been speaking since childhood. I tried consoling her that it was just a language test and all they test is the ability to convey our messages and comprehend others’ opinions successfully. Besides the level for a housewife isnt that high. It didn’t seem to calm her. She was also worried about her visa.

A little later, I was told that she was jittery owing to her past. She wasn’t as privileged to have normal education in her country. She came from Afghan where she witnessed people being butchered day in and day out. Her school friends were murdered in front of her and she had somehow managed to seek refuge in India just a few days ago. She was worried that she might be deported back to her country if she didn’t find a way to be with her husband in UK and Toefl was a prerequisite for that.

She told me that about a month ago, Taliban poisoned the drinking water in her school. When she saw her school friends dying of drinking the contaminated water, she was scared to death but had gathered enough courage to run away. A picture of a yellow school building with water taps at the other end came to my mind when she described the entire story to me. I could envision many small and middle-aged girls drinking water and falling unconscious within a few minutes. It was so disconcerting to hear the entire episode that I felt dizzy.

Though I have seen a few terrorist attacks, I have never been a victim to any. It also helped that none of the attacks have been detrimental to any of my dear ones. It was for the first time, I heard such a story first-hand. I could feel the blood pressure drop in my veins. But I didn’t know if there was anything I could do to change her past and to help the people currently battling the similar circumstances back in her country.

It was then all the privileges that have been bestowed upon came crashing down on me and led to an anguishing realisation that in some part of the world there are people who do not even have as much as the right to speak up or to get the basic education. There are people who are at someone else’s mercy to get a morsel of food and there isn’t much I can do to help.

Chemistry of Passion

Is love just a physical sensation, a soulful reaction to fate, or an emotional connection built by history? What is the difference between lust, love, and like? Loving vs. Being-in-love? 

I've been surrounded lately, by engaged friends. They look happy, relieved, worried, fearful, and excited. Some have been playing around like crazy, and then all of a sudden they stumbled upon somebody, and within 20 minutes, POOF! Off the market. Some have been holding back for a long time, and then finally got on their knees to the one they're with because, "it was time".

Then one couple told me, that she actually got down on her knees to him. Really!

So now I'm curious, how do you know it's time? When do you "Just Do It', and when do you hold on - what are you looking for? What is exactly the “Chemistry of Passion”?

Some people operate from lists, some people just Feel Something. What do you think most people do? What lasts longer? Getting someone who is the right choice, or someone you feel a passion for? How do the men choose?

1. He found a lady who fit his checklist - but the lady has a checklist of her own, he could not match both the checklists, so he had to give in.
2. He looked at his life and decided it was time - It wasn’t the time, it was lack of options, as too much of time was spent in understanding the one.
3. She decided to leave, so he got on his knees and proposed -- She was gonna leave any day… now, or after 15 years… so he had to get on his knees… today or maybe sometime in the future.. today seems to be the best day for all planets seem to be aligned.
4. He is in heat every time she comes around - The heat is both ways… he and she cover up the heat generated.
5. His parents and friends liked her - No comments on that
6. She makes him feel good, confident, like he can rule the world - and leaves when he starts ruling… pastures on the other side are always green.
7. He needs her for his business – wow! And I thought it was the other way round.

You spin my head right round right round till I go down on my knees :)

Somebody told me that they must be like the frogs of Sonoran Desert in Arizona. They stay underground 362 days of the year. When it finally rains for three days, they all come out at once - and due to the time limit, the rule is simple. Whatever is larger: leap away from, whatever is smaller: eat and whatever is the same size: mate with.

As per them, males too think in terms of season. There is mating season and then there is the time to plant a tree and father a son/toad/daughter and after a genetically fixed number of further mating seasons, it’s time to move on to greener pastures.

I believe that human beings connect on three levels: mental, emotional and physical.
The proportion of what one needs differs from person to person. Some need more emotional connections, while others fall for intellectual or physical qualities. That is why the process of finding somebody is probably unique. Some might feel comfortable spending a night together and then getting to know each other, while others will prefer to take time and need to get fascinated before the relationship will develop.

I would say lust is a physical desire without any mental or spiritual connection.
Love is a connection on three levels (in your own unique proportion).
Passion is something you feel when the mental and spiritual levels fit perfectly and you really want to belong to that person completely, without any borders, a desire to explore and discover all about that person.
Being in love is a nice feeling of finding some attractive features (need not be physical) in the other one and a wish to know more about that person.

In order to know if somebody is right or wrong for you, I guess you first have to be very sincere with yourselves regarding your own wishes. What do you want? What is important for you? What is the first step to attract your attention? Are you fascinated with the other person’s inner world or his/her looks?

And yes, like Paulo Coelho, I think there can be more than "one". The feelings and emotions evolve and change. I believe it is very important to know yourself very well and be completely sincere with yourself.

How do you know if that is "the one"? I believe you just know it. If it happens during the first minute or after ten years of being together depends largely on your character and your needs.

The best meetings in life in my opinion happen, when you stopped looking... Just enjoy every moment and all that life has in store for you will come your way.

Spring Cleaning

Making room for the new can be healing and therapeutic. Have you ever noticed how calm we feel when we create space in our home and get organized and our mind doesn’t race as much.  In a way it’s a death and rebirth process. It works pretty much the same way when we clean out the cob-webs of our minds. How are we to allow new thoughts and ideas to come if we are holding on to the old thoughts?

In Buddhism, they talk a lot about non-attachment. We are creatures of habit and it is easy for us to become attached to things and thoughts. But, this attachment is an illusion. When we can see this, a new sense of freedom is found. Buddhists believe that attachment leads to suffering. Most of us try to grasp or hold onto things and thoughts to have a sense of control in our lives. Ultimately though, by trying to control, we end up losing control.

“Grasping at things can only yield one of the two results: Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear. It is only a matter of which occurs first.” Said Goenka once.

Sometimes, letting go is the only way forward!

Get Inspired!

Remember the last time you felt totally inspired by someone or something and in some way? It was a great feeling, wasn't it? And it made life feel a little bit better with that boost in faith.

Yesterday, I enjoyed one of those marvellous revelations of inspiration. And I've been seeing, hearing, or reading something that hits home in such an inspiring way from that point on.

I opened my personal email and a friend told me about having eye problems. She's already blind in one eye, and had some serious surgeries over the past couple of years with other health issues. Not once did she complain in her email -- just chatted as if it was no big deal.

Her philosophy is that patience allows the "cure" to any problem to more quickly manifest, and she looks beyond the present ordeals to the better side of things when all will be well again in life. Not "IF" things will be well and right . . . but "when." And she always focuses on that to be inspired, be happy, and never give up.

I felt inspired by her "attitude of gratitude" when she told me that down times prompt her to remember that there is always someone who has it worse somewhere. So even though this past year has been an emotionally rough one with things that seemed to just keep piling up one on top of the other . . . I realized that it's long past time to stop worrying and just put this in God's hands -- and leave it there! The very determined spirit within me was peeking its welcome presence out and saying, "Hey, did ya forget about me?"

The thing is, sometimes when we decide to put something in God's hands, we end up taking it back without even realizing we are doing it. That's what I've found myself doing over and over again.

I've never really been one to hang on to problems with such unhealthy strength in the way I have this past year. And I decided its time to be strong and determined in healthier ways -- not negative ones that are constantly filled with stress, worry, and "what if."

But there has been a lesson in all of this about how hard we may hang on to the things that are not good for us, which can impact how we handle other things in life that ARE good for us. Worry takes away joy. It serves no good or practical purpose. We all know this, but sometimes we neglect to remember it when we need to remember it most of all.

Little synchronicities appeared to me yesterday in those moments of revelation when I made a conscious decision to truly be me again and to make the choice to be happy every day, even in the face of some not-so-nice things in life. It's as if the Universe gave me a reminder, one after the other in a short amount of time, that this was the choice to stick with. No, of course I won't be happy "about" the bad stuff, but I will focus on everything else that I have to be so thankful for, and I'll search for the lesson that is there for me. It's a healthier, happy, and more productive way to live.

The first synchronicity occurred with my friend's email I mentioned above. REVITALIZE was the first word that came to my mind. Be our authentic selves and be inspired and enthusiastic about life and the goodness that is there, despite any problems that try to convince you otherwise.

The second one came about when I ran across an article "Top Five Regrets of the Dying." This was not a depressing article -- in fact, I found it to be quite inspiring. If you take a moment to read that article by Bronnie Ware, I think you, too, will be inspired to live your life authentically and not worry so much about the little things that don't matter in the long run.

Last but not least, I was lead to one of Ralph Marston's Great Day inspirations about being strong. His website is packed full of inspiration, and I highly recommend it!

Being strong

When times are tough, it’s tough to be positive. Yet that is your most powerful and effective choice.

When you’ve been knocked down, it’s tough to be sure of what to do next. Yet you can be sure that feeling sorry for yourself will make things even worse.

It’s hard to be strong when the challenges seem insurmountable. But the amazingly powerful fact is, you can be strong.

It is precisely because life can be so tough and painful that it can also be so beautiful and fulfilling. Those very challenges that seem so impossible to get through are what set the stage for a life that is magnificent beyond comprehension.

Life can be terribly unfair and difficult and demanding. And yet, against such a background, it is nearly impossible to imagine anything more beautiful and fulfilling than life itself.

Being strong in the face of difficulty is not a matter of training or ability. It is a choice you are free to make in every moment, and a choice that will bring immense value and goodness to your world.

— Ralph Marston

Amnesia

"Dire ethanol emergency here!!” I banged on the counter when we reached the store to pick up the life saving gears. Pooh was getting married and we were celebrating her impending wedding or the counted days of her freedom to put it more rightly.

"Sure! What'll it be ladies... And gentleman", he added when he saw a male friend backing us up. Nash was the other partner in crime.

"A bottle of each, vodka, scotch and beer." Pooh added.

"Anything else?" he asked returning the order.

"Yep! A foot massage would be as great if you could squeeze it in your schedule." I winked.

"Anything shy about you?" She tapped on my shoulder.

"Nope! A little flirt is good for health."

"Yeah! When you're single." Both asserted in unison.

 "What is with you people? Flirting has to nothing to do with relationship status." I asserted. "Its all about not crossing the threshold of remorselessness, if one has any that is."

"Ok! Move your ass NOW!" She spanked me... almost ;)

It all seemed perfect. Dark overcast sky, a little nip in the air, booze, snacks, music and two haught women. We certainly missed Punk and Syl, they both were sleeping calmly at their respective snug cozy homes.

I sat comfortably at the back seat and let Pooh do the honors. 
"Dude, has nobody ever asked you the secret of hanging out with two hot women at this hour of the night?" I badgered Nash.

"You drunk already," Nash threw it back at me with an evil smile.

"O! In that case, I will reserve this question for a little later."

A few drinks later, I learned that she was not marrying her boyfriend.

"Huh! Why worry about commitment when your parents are there to do that for you?" She said sarcastically but it actually made sense.

I brushed the gravity of the thought aside and said, "It must be the alco talking. No problem. Now that you’ve made the decision, why care."

"I love you babe!" Her voice went pale as she said so. I didnt want to dig any deeper.

"Oye! Senti+mental queen! Thats what friends are for. They dont ask many questions and they always stand by you."

"Let’s raise a toast to your wedding". Nash said in an attempt to lighten her mood.

Then we exaggerated about our upcoming Laddakh trip and how Pooh will miss all the fun.

It was a little later than midnight when I made it to home. As always, mom opened the door and oddly enough, she continued staring at me, which was a little unnerving given the inebriated state I was in. Perhaps, she asked me a question, which I lost apparently.

Just to be sure, I asked her, "What happened ma? Did you say something?”

"Would you like something to eat?" She repeated.

"I'm good ma! You go off to sleep."

I took a cold shower and retired to bed. I slept through the entire morning and ended up working from home. I had not even logged on to the communicator when Nash came at me.

"You at home?"

"Just got up. Hey... you game for the spinster's party for Pooh?"

"After what you did last night, no?"

"Huh? Elaborate."

"You left your dupatta in the back seat of my car."

"Hang on! How is that even remotely possible? I was not wearing one."

"Oh! Then it’s Pooh's."
"Hang on! It is now on my radars. What Pooh's dupatta was doing at the back if she was sitting in the passenger's, eh?"
"Enough fun now! It could have cost me my marriage."

"Heeee!! Drinking does cause amnesia. You should have been careful."

"I would have lost my memory permanently if the cleaner or my wife had found it."

"Dont be such a dumb Nash. You could have said, if you were caught, that you got the dupatta for your wifey and will get the kurti later." I teased him.

"You funny little b***h. I'll drop it at your place in the evening."

"Guess being a b***h is better than a nun, what say?"

"Yea b***h is cool."

Phoneys!

He was known as 'The Head Turner' for his exceptionally tall frame which was further complemented by his peachy complexion and sharp features. Owing to his job profile, his used to step in one hour prior to the culmination of my shift. Whenever he used to come to me to exchange greetings, I generally used to nod my head without as much as looking at him. It continued for a few days before he protested my indifference. Perhaps I hit his male ego somewhere.

He stood next to me until I looked up at him and asked, "Busy always, huh?"

"Hey! Take no offense. I am usually busy with day end reports which eat up a lot of my time. Is there anything I could help you with?" I defended myself.

"I was wondering if we could have a cup of coffee."

"Good idea, except that I would not have that kind of time on me. But thanks for asking." I politely dismissed.

He hovered around for a couple of days expecting more attention from me but only savoured disappointment. Once, when I was heading towards the exit, he caught me unawares.

"I know you'd never have enough time so I thought why not escort you to the cab and have coffee with you on the way." he said modestly extending a cup of coffee to me.

“You don’t give up, do you?” I replied with a straight-face.

I left that organization after a few days and conveniently forgot about him.

A few months later, I received an anonymous call. It was him. A little chat revealed that he had also quit shortly after and had moved into aviation. Owing to his looks, he was still being pestered by the female crew members, he shared. I found his conversation amusing because for the first time I came across a man who was harassed by women and who was complaining about it. Then he inquired about my relationship status and my marriage plans. I didn’t want to indulge in all that so I terminated the call.

A few days ago, he showed up at my work and called me from the coffee shop at the ground floor. Some people just never grow up, I murmured. I tried to avoid meeting him but he was adamant. Anyhow, I took the elevator to the ground floor.

He was waiting for me with a bouquet in hands. I made a secret reconnaissance of him. He still looked the same, rather better. Kashmiri-Mohammedans never age, perhaps.

“What brought you’re here?” I asked plainly.

“Hey! Don’t be so mean! I searched for you everywhere and finally got your number from xyz. I was so excited to see you...” He explained.

“I'm glad to see you too but don’t you think a place other than my work would have been better?” I was agitated.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t want to upset you.” He said apologetically, which didn’t show on his face, apparently.

“Hmmm! How have you been? All well back at home?” I inquired.

“Yeah! All well… I got these flowers for you.” He said extending the bouquet to me.

“Oops! I am sorry but… I can’t take them.”

“Why not?”
“You're forgetting... I am at work.” I paused for a moment and then continued, “Why are you chasing me? Its been so many years. Sometimes its good to grow up.”
“I thought it was evident. I like you so much and I want to marry you.”

“Excuse me! That came on rather fast. You trying to sow your wild oats here?” I was flabbergasted.

“Huh?” He said narrowing his brows.

“Never mind.” I shrugged.

“Tell me - will you marry me?”
“Its not possible.”
“Why not? Why are you so indifferent to me?” He was getting impatient.

“I don’t think I owe you any explanation. But don’t you know the answer yourself.”

“No, I don’t. I ask you again, will you marry me?”And he started to kneel down.

His reckless actions had always frightened me. And this was the weirdest thing ever happened to me. People around were starting to notice us.

“Enough! Behave yourself!” I almost screamed. “Listen! I don’t care how many girls you have knelt down before but I am not the kind of woman you could impress by your looks and by such flirtatious actions. I don’t mean to hurt you but I don’t see myself with you.” I spat it out.

“What does that mean? Give me a chance at least.”

“Even if I do, my parents wont. Inter-religion marriage is not something they will ever approve of.”

“I am not asking you to change your religion.”

“Doesn't matter. It happens anyway.”

“Just let me know one month in advance if you ever change your mind.”

“See...that’s precisely why I stayed away from you.” I left leaving the bouquet on the table.

Love is magical indeed!

"Love who you love while you have them. That's all you can do. Let them go when you must. If you know how to love, you'll never run out." Its one of the most beautiful thoughts I came across a while ago, and it has stayed with me since. Love is too magical to cause pain or make you regret. In fact, it's our sense of ownership that leads to suffering. I think love is somewhat like a vacation, relish while it lasts, cherish once its over. 

“Love does not cause suffering: what causes it is the sense of ownership, which is love's opposite.” Indeed!  

In so many years, I have come to learn that the most difficult times are not the ones in which nobody loved me. But the times my heart was so closed that I didn't love anybody. Or anything, for that matter. Life was grey and without colour. Not only did I feel as if I was nobody's special someone, it worked the other way around. Nothing was special to me too. Not only did that apply to people, I was hard to satisfy in those days. Nothing really touched my heart, so in return I started to be more and more demanding. I thought that my heart would open if the other person did the right thing, said the right thing etc. I forgot that the right thing didn't stand a change, against my closed heart. Because as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is love. It takes one to know one. When you love, it appears as if all of a sudden you see love everywhere. Love is as much a state of being as a real feeling for another human being. Love colours your world.

Love does funny things to people. Just call the name of their sweetheart and the light literally starts to shine out of their eyes. Is there a more endearing sight?

The courtly love from the old days is a far cry from the dating game nowadays. Nowadays it is almost embarrassing to tell someone you love them. Being true to your heart is not the fashionable thing to do. Better keep your feelings a secret. Better to be indifferent and 'easy going' at the same time. And than trying to detect the true meaning of the 'friend/unfriend' action. Or the 'not calling back' after you have been sleeping together.

In contrast to what we are lead to believe, speaking from the heart, doesn't make you weak. Simply speaking your truth will empower you. It also invites the other person to be true and real. There is nothing shameful in loving someone. It is a gift and it is rare and lovely. And you should be proud of being a person with a heart, with love.

Like a knight in shining armour, wear your love like a price. Be proud of who you love and be proud that you love.

Let your love shine. Wish you all a happy valentines day and a year full of love and laughter!

The Dexter Effect

It's 2 o' clock at night. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is just not right. The eerie silence of the night seems to confirm my fears. I am shaken from my stupor by an incessant feeble sound. This is a metal clinging sound which is emanating from my balcony. It feels as if somebody were inconspicuously trying to unlock the door from the outside. I contemplate stepping out of my quilt and switching on the lights but change my mind. What if he gets alert by the light and runs away. Then I think of picking up a torch, going to my balcony and catching him unawares but I change my mind again. What if he gets furious and slits my throat open by his knife.

I decide to stay back in my bed and think of an alternate to catch the thief or whosoever has dared interrupt my beauty sleep. I fumble for my phone under the pillow then on the mattress around me but find it lying on the bedside table. Dazed, I climb out of my bed, turn my phone on and with the help of the display light, I tiptoe to the window that opens out to the balcony. I lean against the closed window so as to hear the noises more clearly. I hear the same feeble clinging sound of metal as though the thief was trying to unscrew a bolt on the other side of the door. I slide a few steps on my left towards the door and peek through the key hole so as to get an idea of his appearance. I am expecting to see a fat, shabbily dressed man with big dark fear inflicting eyes, bearing a stubble and wild unkempt hair. Clearly, I have never seen a real thief in my life and I am a little excited at the prospects of catching one. But when I peek through the keyhole, I see an empty balcony, bereft of any living being. My mind is in turmoil as I can still hear the same consistent sound coming from the other side of the door.

I brush away my fears and muster the courage to unveil the mystery myself. I gasp a deep breath, calm my quivering nerves and go to my brother's room to arm myself with a cricket bat. I open the door quietly holding the bat in the other arm in an attacking position. And behold, I am presented yet again with an empty balcony filled with the ever persisting metal clinging sound. I look towards my left and then towards my right, but no sign of a living being in sight. Then I look upwards at the ceiling. There is a pair of pigeons pacing up and down at the roof of the air conditioner. I go a little closer and realise that the sound is coming from the claws hitting the metal of the roof of the AC. I laugh out loud.

After savouring the silence of the dark, I return to my room. I gulp down a glass of water and sit in a chair mumbling incoherently to myself, "You watch too many horror movies these days. And stop watching Dexter. It leaves you with disturbing visions and violent thoughts."