Is love a random act or a planned coincidence?

Recently I read a book that made me think if is it is possible to deliberately decide to love someone with all your heart and hang on to that choice forever or does love catch you unawares? 

If love could be planned then perhaps there would be a few less divorces. After all, isn't it love that keeps two people together? Why do we see so many loveless relationships around if it was possible to force yourself to love anybody? Why do people separate after 30 years of togetherness realizing they no longer want to lie to themselves or to the other person?

"Love" is a feeling that gradually develops over a period of time. Sometimes the quest for the perfect love doesn’t let us see the love that is around us - that shouldn’t be allowed to happen. You have to let yourself go with the flow. I don't defend "love at first sight"; love does need time to grow. When you like someone, you do try to get to know them better but that's all you can do. Trying to know someone doesn't guarantee love. You can't force yourself to feel in a certain manner for a particular person. It just happens on its own. I know people who have fallen in love with the person they loathed the most.

About a year ago, a friend of mine proposed me. This person possessed all the qualities of the man I was looking for but I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way about him. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate in the same manner made me decline his offer. I couldn't lie to myself. Its then I realized you can’t really decide on loving someone and betray yourself.

If falling in love is a planned coincidence, then perhaps you don’t 'love' that person, instead just pretending to love them. And if you’re pretending, then chances are that your love will not stand the test of time. Over a period, you will be exhausted. You will find their flaws staring back at you. You’d say that you love your partner, but the truth is that you'll only love them for as long as they love you, and act according to your preferences. Hence you will find your so called love for them only surface deep which can turn ugly in a split second. It's called conditional love.

True love, on the other hand, is uplifting and nourishing. It lets you ‘be’. There are no conditions attached with it. That’s why it’s difficult to find. It makes you responsible for someone else’s heart. It makes you intentional in the way you treat them. And it doesn’t offer you an excuse to explain why you are the way you are. It offers you the freedom to be who you are without the fear of losing that person when they look behind the curtain of your life. You no longer need excuses. Love covers your flaws; it doesn’t try to justify them away.

Once love happens, it is entirely up to us whether we want to foster that feeling or shun it away. And that decision is primarily based on various factors like chemistry, values, logic, humour, intelligence, where we are in our lives, and what we want. Of course, we don’t wake up every day intoxicated with the feelings of love but we do choose to 'continue to love' someone, even in their foolishness, ugliness and mistakes. We have to be deliberate.

Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not constant, it is variable. It fluctuates, depending on where we’re in our life and what we’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. It is entirely up to us whether we want stay aboard the train or jump off. The choice to ‘continue to love’ creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes the choice worth it.

Of course true love may hurt you but accepting alternate realities will not give you lasting happiness either.

What do you say?

Follow the Order

When you are pushing 50 and are still unmarried, people are likely to think that you’re either gay or impotent. People look at you with their raised eyebrows, whisper behind your back and invariably badger you with similar type of questions, the answer to which is "Mind your business." The situation worsens when you have to explain your preferences to your parents. 

Ever since I turned 45, I stopped visiting any of my married friends so as to avoid any raised brows of their parents. I also asked them not to visit my place so as to not remind my parents about me being a spinster thereby help me avoid being badgered by my parents. But, how long can you avoid the inevitable? They rightly say, what goes up must come down.

Out of nowhere, your childhood friend will surprise you by landing directly at your rooftop all the way from Australia. She will also bring her kids along. You’ll be happy to see her but not so happy to think about the aftermath. At this age, your parents no longer try to hide their feelings. Every married friend of yours makes them feel miserable. You have, however, learned the art to tackle such a situation over a period of time. Here is one such conversation:

Mom: Look at her. She is blessed with two beautiful babies and you… not even married yet. God knows when I will become a grandmother.

Me: Oh ma! You please decide your priorities. You want me to get married or you want to be a grandparent.

Mom: What do you mean by “or”?

Me: He he!! Don’t be such a kid ma!! You know that getting married is a tall order as compared to be a parent, isn’t it?

Mom: But you follow the order.

Me: Ascending or descending? 

My mom almost freaks out. ;) 

“I anyway brought you Frosty but you adopted him.” I add, “You could have very well decided to be a grandparent considering the difference between mine and Frosty’s age. We all could have lived happily ever after.” 

Mom: You’ve gone out of hand. I should have put a leash on you.

Me: It’s too late for that ma. Always better to accept what you have than desiring for what others have.

My mother faints, almost.

May I Help You?

He: Come a little closer?

I move a step forward.

He: A little more...

I look at him blankly.

How close darling? I don’t find you attractive enough. Besides, the stench of your deo is killing me. I thought doctors were smarter these days.

I move one more step forward.

He: That's better... Now turn a little left.

I comply.

He: Now a little right.

I comply, again.

He: Yeah that's perrrrfect!!

I look at him in suspicion.

Perfect? What does that mean? What are you looking at exactly? I hope I have reached an orthopaedician's clinic and not Kingfisher model hunt?

Me (agitatedly): Can you please hurry up? It hurts!

He: Just a minute... nah! I think we need to do this in water.

Water!! What do 'we' need to do in water? I am scared. This is my first.

He: Step in and out of this water tub.

I follow his instruction, almost mechanically.

He closely observes my footprints and then... shrieks at the top of his lungs, almost giving me a heart attack... there! you've got a flat foot.

Me: I know that already. Btw, my feet ain’t really flat, just a little low arched... but what that has to do with the sprain in my toe which I developed running on a treadmill.

Let me give you some background here. You see, I have always been told, "Never work at the expense of your physical and mental well being. No work or career in the world is worth it!" Resonance of these words and my urge to run led me to a treadmill. Of course, running on a treadmill is very boring. But I not only gathered boredom, I developed turf toe as well. Difficulty in walking normally and its possible effects on my gait coerced me into visiting an orthopaedician. Here, I was welcomed by a young man, somewhere in his mid-twenties. Though he didn’t have a personality of a doctor but he was wearing a doctor’s coat. So I had to keep my doubt to myself. Now, back to the clinic.

He: Oh! I didn’t diagnose that. You'll have to wait for the doctor. He'll be here any moment.

Yourself then? - I probe looking at him in derogation.

He: I am his assistant, was just trying to help, you know.

Me: I see... you've been really helpful!!

Pregnancy or something like it.

Due to long distance and to avoid heavy traffic, I leave early morning for work, I mean really early like 6.30. There are two advantages to this: one, I don’t have to apply sunscreen and two, I have evenings to myself and to my family. The only downside is, I no longer get any time to run in the morning. It literally translates into days bereft of any physical activity except moving my fingers on the keyboard and walking up and down to the cafeteria to get my lunch if that counts at all. As a result, I have been experiencing frequent migraines. Since I do not take any medicines, I decided to consult my neurologist once again.

He has a pleasant personality and a good sense of humor. He understands my lack of preference for allopathy. I request him not to prescribe any medicines which may be addictive. He cautioned me that though the medicines are not addictive but they may result in loss of appetite and consequently, I may lose some weight as well. I tell him that losing weight is not a concern as long as the chubbiness of my cheeks remain intact. My boyfriend will be happy, he teases me. Perhaps he doesn’t know that my imaginary super-intelligent indifferent boyfriend is more interested in studying manuscripts, authors and literature versus looking at my chubby cheeks. (No! Don't question my femininity.)

It’s been a week. I haven’t experienced any loss of appetite. In fact, I feel hungry every two hours. That’s also not a concern as long as you’re not stuck in long extended meetings. Other days I manage to sneak out for five minutes to grab a quick bite but today it is different. I am stuck with my boss, her boss, and couple of my DRs. The agenda is to conduct an RCA of a recurring problem. The meeting is likely to last approximately two hours. My boss’s boss also happen to have a history of migraine so she keeps giving me tips on how to combat this beast. Also, one of my team members is three months pregnant and she experiences equally strong hunger pangs or perhaps a little less, I can’t say, there is no scale to compare and I am not experienced in this field.

The meeting started at 09.00, right after I had my breakfast. We began with the discussion of the problem, the various factors contributing to it and then finally moved on to the possible solution. We are still strategizing on the implementation of the proposed solution and the results thereof when I realize that two hours have long passed. I hear my stomach grumble. I take a deep breath and tell myself to stay put as the meeting is about to culminate in a few minutes. But behold! My super boss has some other plans. She asks my team to go and orders me to stay. I request her to excuse me for five minute so I could grab a bite.

My team member blurts out almost without realizing her surroundings, “What’s with you. I’m the one who is pregnant and even I don’t eat as much.”

“Then perhaps, I am six-months virtually pregnant.” I reply swiftly.

"Objection overruled." says my super-boss bursting into a laughter.