Random Thoughts of A Reluctant Human # 3

Number of people we have killed in our thoughts since childhood, if we add them up all, we will put dictators like Hitler and Pol Pot to shame!!

Finding Peace

I have been practicing meditation for a few years. It helps me run away from the rush and chaos of my real life, and gives myself some time to recuperate. It helps me reclaim my peace and bliss when I am done with all the stress, arguments and abuse at my workplace. It works as a healing retreat and repairs my head and heart. It gives me a quiet time to just be with myself and think over my life choices.

I was recently asked which meditation do I practice and when did I start. It brought back the memories of the day when I was introduced to Vipassana about a year ago. It is a 10-day meditation course and is known to be a life changing experience for many. As per the rules of the course, anyone participating in the course has to observe silence throughout the duration of the course. They provide simple vegetarian meals. No outside communication is allowed including cell phones and visitors. You can check out the details and the time table here.

It was certainly not a walk in the park but silence was the most enticing feature because it allowed me some time to be with myself. So I took it up.

On the day of arrival, I completed the formalities and went to deposit my cell phone. However, since the concerned person was not available, I decided to come back later and headed straight to my allotted apartment. Once settled, I deferred my visit to the locker room permanently and switched my phone off. The purpose was anyway to keep away from the external world so it didn’t matter I kept the phone in the locker or in my bag so I decided on the latter.

Before calling it a day, we were taken for an half an hour orientation session followed by a light evening meal. We were then asked to retire to our respective rooms.

The next day began quite early. I was still half asleep and so were many of my inmates. I was still better than the others for I managed to take a shower before getting into the meditation. The technique was pretty simple – one had to observe his/her breathing pattern. The first session lasted for two hours – a little heavy for the beginners and that too at 4am.

The next session was at 8am and this one was heavier than the earlier one for its duration was three hours at a stretch. As the day proceeded, I figured that every session was more intense with its duration elongated. By the end of the day, I was actually exhausted observing the inhaling-exhaling process. It wasn’t what I thought it to be. Anyhow, I decided to play along for two reasons. One, quitting wasn't easy and it might create chaos. Two, I didn't want to face my father's fury who was already utterly unhappy at my taking up such a course away from home.

By the end of the third day, I started experiencing severe pain in my back owing to continually sitting on the floor for interminable hours. I requested the management to provide me a chair to keep the situation from worsening. But I was told that it happened in the beginning to many but it usually got better. I was afraid that it was not the case with me.

I waited for another day but I found it extremely difficult to concentrate due to the excruciating pain. I also had difficulty lying in the not-so-soft bed. As they say, “Sleep has to come—one can only go to bed,” I tried inviting the sleep but couldn’t go to sleep. That day, dawned upon me that sleep has to happen and one doesn’t know when it is happening but only realizes in retrospect. In my case, there was no retrospect. Sleep was escaping me yet again. I took up that course to find peace midst the chaos and yet it was the only thing I was missing. I lay awake in my bed until 2am and then got up, reached out to my bag, took out my phone and switched it on. I couldn’t utter a word due to the pin drop silence so I text-ed my brother and asked him to come collect me before I was torn into shreds.

My message made the situation worse. My brother got scared for he thought that I was not safe. I spent next one hour explaining to him that the facility was safe enough in all aspects, only I was not keeping well and they wouldn’t let me out. I also requested him to wait until morning and come up with an excuse to take me home for he couldn’t express that he connected with me in any manner whatsoever.

My brother reached there at 8am and explained to them an emergency at home which warranted my presence. But to his dismay, the manager declined to relay any messages to me for it might cause me disturbance and I might not be able to concentrate then. He smirked at the shallowness of his response and thought that I was anyway not able to concentrate so he better let me go.

Then the manager asked him to testify his identity. Once he did that, the manager demanded to speak with my father to confirm the contingency. When he did that too, the manager again declined to let him connect with me. My brother waited in the sun until 11am before his patience broke. He threatened the manager to call the police if he took another minute to relay the message to me. The manager cowered and requested my brother to mellow down. He then sent somebody to my room and permitted me to leave with my brother.

The moment I stepped out of the campus, I played out music so loud that windows vibrated. I asked my brother to get me a chilled beverage coupled with some spicy snacks. I came back to life realizing that half an hour of meditation was enough to retain my sanity and I didn't need more than that.

Random Thoughts of A Reluctant Human # 2

In the life's journey, nothing gives you more comfort that the illusion that you have created for yourself!!

The World Makes Sense Again!!

Owing to his lewd demeanor, he is the most disgusting man any sane human could ever come across. He looks at every woman lustfully paying absolutely no regard whatsoever to her personality or her sentience. His brain ceases to function and leaves him catatonic only because a woman is in the same room. As such he invariably tries to peek up girls' skirts and goes out of his way to gain a minuscule chance of finally doing the deed.

I am sure that every woman in the corporate world deals with unwelcome and inappropriate advances from a peer, a manager, a senior executive or a client. But no woman talks about these experiences openly for countless reasons.  I also had my share of experiences but this man beats them all; for the simple reason that he didn’t mend his ways even when I told him that I wasn’t single. Despite my numerous warnings, he continued pestering me until that day.

Having recovered from the injury, I eventually resumed work after five weeks. Considering the long walk from the parking lot to the main building, one of my friends volunteered to carry my laptop to my desk. It was my first day after the break and it felt so different to walk into the office after such a long time. On the way, I met many of my colleagues, friends and acquaintances and they all showered me with the same compliment. I was looking more beautiful / my face was glowing that is. Honestly it all felt good until… I encountered him.

When I reached my desk, he wasn’t around. I thanked God and sat comfortably at my designated place. My friend also left me. I was setting up my laptop when he walked in. He called out my name aloud from the distance, displayed the widest and evilest grin one could ever imagine, and walked towards me with his arms spread wide open. I stoically looked at him. I also decided to escalate the matter if he talked beyond the realms of professionalism.

  

He offered me his cup of coffee, which I politely declined, before settling into a chair next to me. He looked at me up and down, thought for a moment with his index finger on his chin and said, "You have put on a pound or two but you look beautiful nonetheless.”

Before I could say anything, he added, “Now don’t strive for size zero, I like you the way you are.”

I was stumped at his dauntlessness. I yelled, “Back off you jerk.”

He responded, “Seems I will have to bring a black Safari (the SUV).”

I went furious. It was actually one of those moments when I pitied his wife and cursed his very existence. I rose from my chair and told him that his attitude had been off limits and it called for a formal complaint. With that, I typed a detailed email to the Head of Human Resource. I didn’t even complete the letter when he began apologizing. His apology appeared only surface deep so I continued with the task at hand but before I could hit the ‘send’ button; he almost knelt down begging for forgiveness. I felt a strong urge to slap him in his face or better yet - smash his teeth but I didn’t have half as much energy so I restrained myself. I asked him to send me a written apology instead for his lewd behavior. He showed reluctance initially but caved in eventually.

I moved next to my AVP and never encountered another comment ever since.

Random Thoughts of A Reluctant Human # 1

Tired of long and lonely walk... but the road still looks famished. It has gorged upon numerous souls but hunger not satiated yet!!

Detour from Life

The captain had turned off the warning sign for the seat belt. The air hostess' mellifluous voice was echoing in the plane as if she was a pianist playing a violin for herself in a gigantic mall. I was travelling, once again, from one town to another, on the auspicious night of Diwali. I had to attend a conference call with one of our US clients and a very important meeting the next morning. I could not summon the courage to inform my parents that at the night of Diwali, their son would be just two hours away taking a call with strangers from a room in a five-star hotel.

I looked down and the brightly lit buildings reminded me of my house back in my hometown. It must be beautifully ornamented with twinkling lights and floating candles, I thought.

"Would you like vegetarian or non-vegetarian?" The air hostess' voice brought me back to the plane.

She questioned again, "Sir would you like vegetarian or non-vegetarian?"

I couldn't respond. I wished if I could place my order at an altitude of 35000 ft. I wanted to eat poori, rajma, curd and some pickle made by my mom.

I asked her, "You didn’t go home on Diwali?"

"Not everybody is as lucky as you are. At least, you will reach your home on Diwali." She replied.

She went away, leaving me thinking what a home felt like. I had stayed in so many hotels in past few years that when I went back to my hotel room, it almost made me feel like home. There wasn't much difference after all. The paintings on the wall kept changing but the bed side lamps were equally beautiful. The same 42" LCD TV and a king sized bed. The breakfast table situated next to the window would ask me every morning what would I have for breakfast. Wasn’t everything the same?

At the time of disembarkation, the air hostess said, "Sir, wish your family a very Happy Diwali!" I switched the phone on and found nine missed calls, six from office and three from home. I called the office first and told them to arrange the call in an hour and a half. Meanwhile, papa called again. "Where are you son? We have been waiting since long."

"I have an important meeting, papa. I am afraid I will not be able to make it this time." Papa went silent. I could hear my family's laughter and the sound of fireworks in the background.

Miles away from the liveliness of my home, my taxi was trudging quietly on a lonesome road.  I never realised when I alienated myself from the world. I had been an island for so long that intimacy scared me away. It never dawned upon me that I traversed the globe with a mask on. I was apprehensive of taking the mask off, perhaps was scared of facing myself.

The taxi drew up at the front gates of a grand hotel. A huge swarthy guard with imperial moustache opened the taxi door for me and said, "Welcome back sir. Happy Diwali!" I fumbled around in the back of the car seat. The driver asked, "Sir, are you looking for something?" I said, "Yes, Myself."

The town looked exquisite from my room. I opened my laptop and waited for the phone call. Meanwhile, in an effort to pull up a presentation from 'My Documents', I clicked on 'My Pictures' instead. There was a five-year old 'me' walking down the road holding papa's index finger, my right hand pointed to an ice-cream vendor; everybody eating pop corns by the lake at Nainital; papa driving our first ambassador car; me dressed in a superman's costume for a fancy dress competition, maa-papa standing together with Taj Mahal in the backdrop; maa draped in a beautiful red sari on Karwa-Chauth; papa hugging me on my graduation day.

My phone rang but I could not separate myself from those pictures. I wanted to eat pop corns by the Naini Lake once again. I pined for a break from myself. My phone was ringing feverishly. I was in the car again; I had to rush for an urgent meeting. The vivid recollection of my childhood, my college days, and our family vacations made me restless.

Everybody was having snacks after Diwali Pooja when the door bell rang. Papa opened the door. He didn’t register for a second and then exclaimed, "Oh my God! What a pleasant surprise!" It was me. I had reached home on Diwali... to attend an urgent meeting. I also had to relay the air hostess' message, remember!!

Wish you all a very Happy Diwali!!

My Favourite Pastime

Library is my favourite place. Whenever Dudette is not around to read a story to me, I come here and spend a great deal of time contemplating which book to read...

Then I think a little harder...

Then I take a nap leaving the reading to some other day...

Desperate Measures

The sky was dark and void. The black hooded figure crossed a dark deserted alley which led itself to a dusty, unmetalled road. Flanked on both sides with bushes and shrubs, the road was strewn with pebbles but she didn’t seem to be bothered. It appeared as though her determined steps knew their way forward. The relentless chirp of crickets made the night less still. Far away in the distance, he was targeting her and she could sense it too but it no longer mattered to her? She had to take that risk. She knew he wouldn’t give her much time but she wasn’t scared at all. Though she could feel some moisture on her forehead and at the tip of her nose but it was due to humidity in the air. The undue exhaustion was wearing her down, her knees were wobbling and her heart was sinking, yet she was waiting for him in anticipation.

He had discovered her identity a few months ago. Though she was a vampire but she was better than a human. He had learned that she never traded her soul for blood. Every new moon she needed blood to keep herself alive but she had never preyed on an innocent. The years of practice helped her channel her urges. She would only kill morally bankrupt mortals who slaughtered others for fun and would do so barefacedly over and over again. He adored her for ridding the society off the real monsters.

For the first time when he walked up to her doorsteps, he didn’t say a word, instead handed her an envelope and walked away. The envelope contained a note which read, “Need a friend?” and a few pictures of her in action. It didn’t take her long to understand that like everybody else, her clandestine activities were not a secret to him. He had taken his time to understand her lifestyle and her way of working.

She wondered that despite being a human, he was ready to be with her but letting somebody into her life meant jeopardizing her own existence. Accepting his proposal, on the other hand, ran the risk of exposure. So she decided to explain the perils of this friendship to his own life but he didn’t seem to care.

He brought a little excitement, a breath of fresh air in to her dull life. Ever since she was turned into a vampire, she found herself devoid of any emotions. She never felt a hint of pain or sorrow, nor did her heart feel any joy. She mostly feigned normalcy so as to blend in and to keep from standing out. But he changed everything. He filled her with a strange emotion. She was lost and empty, yet full of everything. She was restless and looking for him everywhere. He was the only one who gratified her urges. She found his occasional appearances intoxicating. Every time he came around, she found herself staring at him from the distance. His fragrance would rejuvenate her senses. He made her realise what she had been missing. She soon figured that he was equally fond of her for he kept watching her but was too proud to bare his feelings.

One night when she was sitting on a chair by the huge glass window in her room, watching the storm roll in, she noticed a shadow wandering around in her lawn. When she reached there, he turned around and went away, leaving his partially burnt cigarette behind.

Six months had gone by but he didn’t show up. Passion had made her face pale ivory. It was the new moon again and the urge was taking control of her. She walked towards the broken bridge where he smoked. But before she could reach there, she was shot with a wooden bullet. He had warned her not to step out that night. Like him, somebody else had figured about her but failed to understand the justness of her actions. He came running for her, knelt down, lifted her head and kept it on his knees. His eyes were moist.

“You shouldn’t have done this? I left you a note not to leave home tonight.”
“I know. But that note meant that you were watching over me. It was the only way for me to find you. Where did you go? I wanted to meet you.”
“By risking your life?”
“It was worth it!!”

I understand...

He flung his blue ball at me but I missed it narrowly. He tried again with the same fervour but I missed it again. I felt bad for letting him down so I apologized to him for my incompetency. I explained that I am unable to run or bend forward due to the fracture. He nodded assuringly but I am sure he couldn’t make head or tails of the conversation for he is too small to understand what ribs are.

Though Frosty is very intelligent but it takes some time for him to get a hang of complex matters. For example, it took me two days to make him understand what part of our house is called kitchen and why he is not welcome in there. It took us further two days to understand when he sits outside the kitchen looking at the ceiling, it means he is hungry. The other day when he licked my feet immediately after I had a bath, I learned that he liked the fragrance (or the taste) of my foot cream. I told him that his licking my feet irritated me but he didn’t get it. So one day, I offered to apply the same cream on his hands but he opted out. I hope you understand now why ‘body structure and ribs’ will be a complex topic for him.

He has seen me sitting in a recliner throughout the day. He has also seen me sleeping, sitting in my bed propped up with pillows. He understands that something is wrong but he doesn’t fully understand the gravity of the problem.

He had come to meet me at the hospital but they didn’t let him in. Perhaps they were afraid that he might catch on some infection since he is still a baby. But he told them that he was not a baby any more and it was his responsibility to check if I was comfortable or if I needed anything. He tried to explain how important it was for him to see me once but they gave him a cold shoulder. So he came back home and waited for me eagerly.

The day I came back home was the happiest day for him. He jumped on me when I entered the house but my father caught him midway and explained to him that I was not strong enough then to hold him for a few days. He nodded but not before telling me that he jump waited jump for jump me jump so jump desperately jump. He was glad that I was home. Jump."

Next time when I went to the doctor for a review, he kept sitting in the balcony until I returned home safely. I asked him if he had become a pessimist or had lost faith in me but he shook his head. Then I asked him why was he jumping then? And if he thought that I would not return home? And if he thanked his stars when he saw me. He didn’t reply, instead he brought me a book and sat next to me for next couple of hours.

That very moment, I realized that this cute little animal doesn't share the same protocol but he certainly understands and cares more than a human being. Perhaps he is closer to God than I can ever be because he can listen to 'His' voice which I tend to ignore sometimes. 

Pointless Madness

“Did you ever think about life as a metaphor for television?” Chuck Palahniuk.
I think it holds true in modern times since watching television has become the only source of entertainment for most of the families across the globe.

A couple of months ago, I visited one of my newly wedded friends in Mumbai. I was astonished to find how important the television was for their existence. Their typical routine included, having breakfast together with the television, husband leaving for work around 11 am, wife watching the television throughout the day, husband returning home by 10 pm, having dinner together with the television and then watching the television till 2 am. Even my presence could not alter their routine. Clearly, the television was an integral member of their household. In fact, I felt that they married each other because they needed company to watch television. Now, every time I talk to them, I don’t begin my conversation with 'how they are doing' instead, I inquire 'how their television is doing.'

I have been fettered to a bed for a little over a week. No! I am not pregnant, virtually or otherwise!! A few days ago, I managed to escape a fatal accident with a couple of hairline fractures. As a result, I have been grounded until I recover completely. Since I am perennially lying down and my parents have also been complaining about my incessant reading, even in the ICU, I am trying to figure an alternate to entertain myself.

Drawing an inspiration from my friends, I tried dating my television for a couple of days. Thanks to Singapore Grand Prix that helped me get through Sunday. It was Monday, however, that caused me pain. I began my day watching 'Gattaca'.  

Now, if you have dated your television, even briefly, you would know that the movies that they broadcast on television are old but not old enough to be branded as 'classic'. So if you are a movie buff like me, you will soon realise that you have already seen most of the movies. Hence if the movie currently being aired was exceptionally good, you may take the pain to watch it again, else you may find yourself fumbling through the labyrinth yet again.

Then, I looked up to different news channels for the next couple of hours but one can do that for so long. Earlier, when I used to come home from work, I used to dedicate one hour to the news and that never seemed like a waste. However, I had to abandon this option as soon as I realised that they repeat the same news every hour.

Then, I called sitcoms and talk shows for my rescue. First of all, deciding on which show to watch wasn’t easy as it occurred to me that the timings for the shows being aired and the shows I watch don’t match. Perhaps this is so because I have been watching most of my favourite shows online and that way, I never needed to bother about the timing at all. I could pick up any show at whatever time it pleased. Eventually, I decided on a show but soon after it dawned upon me that the frequency and the duration of commercials was far more than the duration of the show itself. It turned my experience sour.
 
Presently I have turned to the tried and tested pastime. Reading books and solving crossword puzzles that is. While I continue to meander through the pointless madness, you have a good time out there.
Cheerio!

Marrying Anybody

'If you don't know what you want," the doorman said, "you end up with a lot you don't.' ~ Chuck Palahniuk

My mom strategically sat next to me and his mom next to my mom so I had to act shy but one can pretend for so long. With my chin slightly down, I managed to look at him through my eyelashes. He was a little low on confidence which led to an instant urge to play a rapid fire round with him but I dropped the idea thinking that he may not survive. It was also a little unnerving to have so many eyes fixed at me. His family's demeanour convinced me that I was the only woman who agreed to give their son a chance and it appeared that they were wondering if I will be generous enough to give a verdict in his favour. I didn’t see that happening though.

Despite the subtle music in the background, his silence was deafening so I opted to lead. All his answers pushed me to laugh and give him a piece of my mind but I had to resist that as well. Such tormenting was the setting.

I had no interest in enquiring about his work profile. I had done my home work. So I began with the most basic and the easiest question:

How do you utilise your spare time?
I sleep.
(How creative!!) Throughout the weekend?
Mostly. Actually during week days, I wake up at 6am and sleep at 11pm. So I catch up on my sleep during weekends.

That was still more than what I sleep but I figured he had no other hobby/passion in his life.

Do you like travelling?
Who doesn’t?

You don’t ask question in response to a question but he seemed oblivious to that.

I know people who prefer to stay indoors. Anyhow, what kinda places you like to travel?
Anywhere.
You mean 'anywhere'. Even to the remote areas of the Southern Sahara Continent. 
I didn’t mean that. I would like to go on a world tour. I like beaches.
Why bother the world to see a beach. Go to Goa or Kerala.
Honestly, he didn’t look like the types who love travelling and meet people to experience their culture.

Do you have interest in adventure sports or in general sports for that matter?
I am scared to take risk so adventure sports are definitely not for me. As for sports, I don’t religiously follow any. Just enough to keep conversations with friends and colleagues.
Not even soccer or cricket or tennis or grand prix.
Not really.
Even more interesting!

You don’t know what you're missing on then. I believe if you don’t take risk in life, you aren’t living your life really. But then again, to each his own.

Do you read?
That I do. I read newspapers to keep myself updated on the capital market.
OMG! You're so different.

You mentioned that you have no other hobby than to sleep. My bad!!
I read that much on my phone while travelling to work and I don't count it as 'reading'.

What do you love the most about yourself?
That I want to keep my life uncomplicated.
Wow! That was an intelligent one. You know, generally people like to screw their life. I am sure that’s what keeps them going. After all, you got to have some motivation to get past each day.

That reminds me, what motivates you?
Money.
(How clichéd!!)
Of course, what else can? My bad… again!

Is there anything you expect out of your life? Something you'd like to achieve.
Personally, I want to keep my life uncomplicated. Professionally, I'd like to continue with my current profile.
Again... so challenging!

Why do you want to get married?
For the same reason other people do… its time. My parents want me to settle down now.
By 'its time', you mean, age?
He gave me the “are you a dumb?” look.

I don’t understand the fixation about age when people decide to marry. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and you gotta be physically, emotionally, mentally ready to commit to someone. How can age be a deciding factor?

So will you marry anybody your parents choose for you or you have any expectations from your prospective partner?
She should be friendly.
I am really friendly once you learn to worship me.

I was really impressed by his unique point of view (or lack of it). His life was so simple. Any friendly girl would be fine with him. In fact, I reckon it didn’t even matter to him whether he marries a woman at all, any friendly man would be equally fine with him. All he needed was a partner who was as dead as he was. I guess he never gave it a thought that he was living like a zombie.

He didn’t ask me any question except where I did my schooling. To which I wanted to say that I didn’t go to school at all. In fact, I used to sit outside the window of a classroom.

He could have chucked my questions back at me, if nothing else. I guess he lacked curiosity completely. I found him totally directionless who didn’t know what he wanted from his life. He could travel to anywhere, he was ready to marry anybody, and he had no specific goal in his life.

Instead his father asked if I was rigid about working post marriage.

That was perplexing. That’s a decision a woman should take. Entering into a relationship doesn’t mean I will have to let a part of myself be taken away. Taking on the responsibility of a relationship doesn’t mean one has to give up on doing the things one likes to do. Anyone in a relationship should have the freedom they want. Why will anyone lose their identity to a relationship? One should be honoured as an individual human being and not just as a partner or the "other half" of a relationship.

His mom, who was until now looking at me adorably, asked my mom if I had any physical ailments.
My mom should have asked if their son was suffering from AIDS.
Being a woman, I should be more concerned about his health. I pitied their line of thinking. Guess we are developing in the material sense but not evolving really.


“Hope to see you soon!” He said before leaving.
“Hope as soon as never!” I replied.

I guess it’s about time when my parents should understand that touching their feet, earning a handsome package, possessing good looks and having own property doesn’t qualify a man to be 'my' prospective life partner. It’s more important that he loves 'life', cherishes my chirpiness, is able to hold a meaningful conversation and most importantly appreciates 'me' as a person and doesn’t want just anybody.

Phew!! It was an exhausting experience. Let me grab some rest.

One Phone Call

When I completed my graduation, my father gave me my first mobile phone. He laid down only two rules:

1. I will take his call no matter where I am or how busy I am.
2. He should always be aware of my whereabouts. It shouldn’t come to him as a shock/surprise.

That was his way to discipline his children and I must say he did a fab job. I followed these rules, not out of fear, but out of sheer respect, throughout my life. After so many years, I now answer my phone even in deep slumber when I see as much as ‘Papa’ flashing on the screen. The only disadvantage of this rule is that sometimes my brother calls me from my dad’s cell when I don’t answer his calls. Once I took my father’s call at 2 'o' clock at night when I was deep asleep. I had taken a flight to Mumbai a few hours ago and had forgotten to intimate him of my safe arrival. He kept waiting and eventually called at 2am. I realized how difficult it is to be a parent, promised myself of not doing that to him again and went back to sleep.

A few days ago, I repeated the same episode, except that I was not on any flight. I was not even allowed to take any calls when my phone rang. My instructor stared at me and politely announced 'no phone calls please.' When I saw 'Papa calling' on my phone screen, I pressed the green button out of reflex and also dashed out the room telling my instructor that this call was more important than anything else. I informed my father that I was in a class where phone calls were not allowed and that I will be back at home in a couple of hours.

At home around 4pm:

Papa: So who were you talking to when you answered my call?

Me: My instructor.

Papa: Instructor? What for?

Me: I have joined dance classes.

Papa: That’s an interesting development. Why do you need to learn dance? You are a very good dancer yourself!

Me: Maybe but not when it comes to Salsa.

Papa: What is that?

Me: It’s a partner dance form and I have been willing to learn it for a long time.

Papa: Hmmm! What is it like? Can I see what you learnt today?

Me: I don’t think so... I will need a male partner for that. I will show you my video when I learn a complete sequence.

Papa: Why do you want to learn a partner dance?

Now, that was a question I didn’t have an answer for. So my utterly naughty brain thought of poking some fun.

Me: You are aware of the increasing number of divorces. People divorce each other for no significant reason. I don’t want my partner to divorce me just because I don’t know how to dance with his arms around me!!

I controlled my laughter and waited for his reaction.

He appeared puzzled for a moment and then managed to utter a few words.

Papa: Does that really happen? I wonder what this world is up to.

Me: You never know.

Papa: Alright! Wish you luck with Salsa or whatever is that!!

Is love a random act or a planned coincidence?

Recently I read a book that made me think if is it is possible to deliberately decide to love someone with all your heart and hang on to that choice forever or does love catch you unawares? 

If love could be planned then perhaps there would be a few less divorces. After all, isn't it love that keeps two people together? Why do we see so many loveless relationships around if it was possible to force yourself to love anybody? Why do people separate after 30 years of togetherness realizing they no longer want to lie to themselves or to the other person?

"Love" is a feeling that gradually develops over a period of time. Sometimes the quest for the perfect love doesn’t let us see the love that is around us - that shouldn’t be allowed to happen. You have to let yourself go with the flow. I don't defend "love at first sight"; love does need time to grow. When you like someone, you do try to get to know them better but that's all you can do. Trying to know someone doesn't guarantee love. You can't force yourself to feel in a certain manner for a particular person. It just happens on its own. I know people who have fallen in love with the person they loathed the most.

About a year ago, a friend of mine proposed me. This person possessed all the qualities of the man I was looking for but I couldn’t bring myself to feel that way about him. The fact that I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate in the same manner made me decline his offer. I couldn't lie to myself. Its then I realized you can’t really decide on loving someone and betray yourself.

If falling in love is a planned coincidence, then perhaps you don’t 'love' that person, instead just pretending to love them. And if you’re pretending, then chances are that your love will not stand the test of time. Over a period, you will be exhausted. You will find their flaws staring back at you. You’d say that you love your partner, but the truth is that you'll only love them for as long as they love you, and act according to your preferences. Hence you will find your so called love for them only surface deep which can turn ugly in a split second. It's called conditional love.

True love, on the other hand, is uplifting and nourishing. It lets you ‘be’. There are no conditions attached with it. That’s why it’s difficult to find. It makes you responsible for someone else’s heart. It makes you intentional in the way you treat them. And it doesn’t offer you an excuse to explain why you are the way you are. It offers you the freedom to be who you are without the fear of losing that person when they look behind the curtain of your life. You no longer need excuses. Love covers your flaws; it doesn’t try to justify them away.

Once love happens, it is entirely up to us whether we want to foster that feeling or shun it away. And that decision is primarily based on various factors like chemistry, values, logic, humour, intelligence, where we are in our lives, and what we want. Of course, we don’t wake up every day intoxicated with the feelings of love but we do choose to 'continue to love' someone, even in their foolishness, ugliness and mistakes. We have to be deliberate.

Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not constant, it is variable. It fluctuates, depending on where we’re in our life and what we’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. It is entirely up to us whether we want stay aboard the train or jump off. The choice to ‘continue to love’ creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes the choice worth it.

Of course true love may hurt you but accepting alternate realities will not give you lasting happiness either.

What do you say?

Follow the Order

When you are pushing 50 and are still unmarried, people are likely to think that you’re either gay or impotent. People look at you with their raised eyebrows, whisper behind your back and invariably badger you with similar type of questions, the answer to which is "Mind your business." The situation worsens when you have to explain your preferences to your parents. 

Ever since I turned 45, I stopped visiting any of my married friends so as to avoid any raised brows of their parents. I also asked them not to visit my place so as to not remind my parents about me being a spinster thereby help me avoid being badgered by my parents. But, how long can you avoid the inevitable? They rightly say, what goes up must come down.

Out of nowhere, your childhood friend will surprise you by landing directly at your rooftop all the way from Australia. She will also bring her kids along. You’ll be happy to see her but not so happy to think about the aftermath. At this age, your parents no longer try to hide their feelings. Every married friend of yours makes them feel miserable. You have, however, learned the art to tackle such a situation over a period of time. Here is one such conversation:

Mom: Look at her. She is blessed with two beautiful babies and you… not even married yet. God knows when I will become a grandmother.

Me: Oh ma! You please decide your priorities. You want me to get married or you want to be a grandparent.

Mom: What do you mean by “or”?

Me: He he!! Don’t be such a kid ma!! You know that getting married is a tall order as compared to be a parent, isn’t it?

Mom: But you follow the order.

Me: Ascending or descending? 

My mom almost freaks out. ;) 

“I anyway brought you Frosty but you adopted him.” I add, “You could have very well decided to be a grandparent considering the difference between mine and Frosty’s age. We all could have lived happily ever after.” 

Mom: You’ve gone out of hand. I should have put a leash on you.

Me: It’s too late for that ma. Always better to accept what you have than desiring for what others have.

My mother faints, almost.

May I Help You?

He: Come a little closer?

I move a step forward.

He: A little more...

I look at him blankly.

How close darling? I don’t find you attractive enough. Besides, the stench of your deo is killing me. I thought doctors were smarter these days.

I move one more step forward.

He: That's better... Now turn a little left.

I comply.

He: Now a little right.

I comply, again.

He: Yeah that's perrrrfect!!

I look at him in suspicion.

Perfect? What does that mean? What are you looking at exactly? I hope I have reached an orthopaedician's clinic and not Kingfisher model hunt?

Me (agitatedly): Can you please hurry up? It hurts!

He: Just a minute... nah! I think we need to do this in water.

Water!! What do 'we' need to do in water? I am scared. This is my first.

He: Step in and out of this water tub.

I follow his instruction, almost mechanically.

He closely observes my footprints and then... shrieks at the top of his lungs, almost giving me a heart attack... there! you've got a flat foot.

Me: I know that already. Btw, my feet ain’t really flat, just a little low arched... but what that has to do with the sprain in my toe which I developed running on a treadmill.

Let me give you some background here. You see, I have always been told, "Never work at the expense of your physical and mental well being. No work or career in the world is worth it!" Resonance of these words and my urge to run led me to a treadmill. Of course, running on a treadmill is very boring. But I not only gathered boredom, I developed turf toe as well. Difficulty in walking normally and its possible effects on my gait coerced me into visiting an orthopaedician. Here, I was welcomed by a young man, somewhere in his mid-twenties. Though he didn’t have a personality of a doctor but he was wearing a doctor’s coat. So I had to keep my doubt to myself. Now, back to the clinic.

He: Oh! I didn’t diagnose that. You'll have to wait for the doctor. He'll be here any moment.

Yourself then? - I probe looking at him in derogation.

He: I am his assistant, was just trying to help, you know.

Me: I see... you've been really helpful!!

Pregnancy or something like it.

Due to long distance and to avoid heavy traffic, I leave early morning for work, I mean really early like 6.30. There are two advantages to this: one, I don’t have to apply sunscreen and two, I have evenings to myself and to my family. The only downside is, I no longer get any time to run in the morning. It literally translates into days bereft of any physical activity except moving my fingers on the keyboard and walking up and down to the cafeteria to get my lunch if that counts at all. As a result, I have been experiencing frequent migraines. Since I do not take any medicines, I decided to consult my neurologist once again.

He has a pleasant personality and a good sense of humor. He understands my lack of preference for allopathy. I request him not to prescribe any medicines which may be addictive. He cautioned me that though the medicines are not addictive but they may result in loss of appetite and consequently, I may lose some weight as well. I tell him that losing weight is not a concern as long as the chubbiness of my cheeks remain intact. My boyfriend will be happy, he teases me. Perhaps he doesn’t know that my imaginary super-intelligent indifferent boyfriend is more interested in studying manuscripts, authors and literature versus looking at my chubby cheeks. (No! Don't question my femininity.)

It’s been a week. I haven’t experienced any loss of appetite. In fact, I feel hungry every two hours. That’s also not a concern as long as you’re not stuck in long extended meetings. Other days I manage to sneak out for five minutes to grab a quick bite but today it is different. I am stuck with my boss, her boss, and couple of my DRs. The agenda is to conduct an RCA of a recurring problem. The meeting is likely to last approximately two hours. My boss’s boss also happen to have a history of migraine so she keeps giving me tips on how to combat this beast. Also, one of my team members is three months pregnant and she experiences equally strong hunger pangs or perhaps a little less, I can’t say, there is no scale to compare and I am not experienced in this field.

The meeting started at 09.00, right after I had my breakfast. We began with the discussion of the problem, the various factors contributing to it and then finally moved on to the possible solution. We are still strategizing on the implementation of the proposed solution and the results thereof when I realize that two hours have long passed. I hear my stomach grumble. I take a deep breath and tell myself to stay put as the meeting is about to culminate in a few minutes. But behold! My super boss has some other plans. She asks my team to go and orders me to stay. I request her to excuse me for five minute so I could grab a bite.

My team member blurts out almost without realizing her surroundings, “What’s with you. I’m the one who is pregnant and even I don’t eat as much.”

“Then perhaps, I am six-months virtually pregnant.” I reply swiftly.

"Objection overruled." says my super-boss bursting into a laughter.

Reminiscing the Past

I was watching “Just Dance” Mumbai auditions and was left absolutely mesmerized by Ashish Patil’s impeccable performance to the song Breathless. Delivering such a graceful performance with perfect expressions and that too without any formal training is definitely commendable.


Reality shows have certainly changed the way dance is looked upon now. It has emerged as a passion not only in youngsters and children but also in housewives and businessmen alike. Earlier, learning dance used to mean a hobby course for kids in summer vacation. But now, parents no longer mind their children learning different forms of dance and opting dancing as a career. As a matter of fact, in the last decade or so, dance classes have mushroomed overnight which was not the case when I was a kid. I remember when I used to learn Kathak, there was no good dance school in vicinity and my father used to drive me all the way to Connaught Place which is approximately six miles from my residence.


Since childhood, I have been extremely passionate about dancing. There was a time when I could feel dance in my veins. Considering my passion and my talent at that age (I was barely six by the way) my parents enrolled me in a dance school to learn Kathak. Honestly, learning Kathak was the most boring thing at that time because I always enjoyed contemporary, western and other forms but later I realized it was easier to adapt to other forms when you know classical. It also gives you an edge if you are able to mix classical with contemporary.


With time, my passion for dancing grew to an extent that I wanted to pursue it as a career. I delivered various stage performances not only in my school but also at district level and won almost all of them. My parents were very proud of my dancing until…


It was 12^th year of my stage performance. I was standing on the stage amidst thunderous applause after rendering my last performance to the song “Satyam Shivam Sundram”. I vividly remember how deeply absorbed I was while performing that piece. It was one of my best performances and why would it not be, I spent countless hours perfecting my faltering steps. It was no cakewalk. When I try to replicate the steps, I can’t do so now. Perhaps because I have been out of touch or I have lost the flexibility but hey no! I am not aging!


When we got home, I was told to take my mind off dancing and focus on studies. Not that I wasn’t doing justice to my studies, I was doing fairly well and I always thought that my parents adored my dancing but I couldn’t figure out what made my father utter such a statement right after an out-of-the-world performance. It was more of a command than a request or a suggestion. It felt the world was crashing down on me. I inquired about the reason. I also stated my ambition to pursue dancing as a career. With all the love, he sat next to me and said that dancing may not earn me as much respect. I argued that dancing is an art and God blesses only a few people with this art. Should it not be respected? I do talk stupid sometimes. He replied that the world doesn’t share the same perspective on dance and it will take some time for this art to be respected in this part of the world so I should look for a something else for a career and pursue dancing as a hobby. Thereafter I was strictly prohibited from any public performances.


A couple of years later, I learned from my brother how a stray guy was trounced over a comment passed by him. I recalled overhearing an affray outside the auditorium that evening but I didn’t realize it had anything to do with me. Of course such an incident will make any father take such a decision. That evening I hugged my father and silently told him that I love him and respect his decision.

My Million Dollar Princess

“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.” Pablo Casals

My five-year old niece is here in India with us for a few days. Though every child is unique but I have never seen a child as different as she is. She started to show the signs of her individuality when she was as small as three. She knows what she wants, why she wants and how she wants. She is brilliant at whatever she does.

She is sitting next to me in a chair talking incessantly as I get ready to a party. She is quite fond of me that ways. It surprises me how a small kid like her can remember every detail of the time we spent together when she was only three. She often talks about those times whenever she calls from the US. Her little sister doesn’t know much about me. As a matter of fact, she is far too shy to pick up a conversation with anyone outside the bounds of her close family members.

She minutely observes every detail of my wardrobe and verbally makes a note of the changes it has gone through over the years. She is also fascinated by my stash of accessories. Her greenish purplish eyes sparkle as I take out a turquoise blue beaded necklace and put this around my neck. “This is so pretty!! May I please try this on once?” She exclaims. Since this is too big and a little heavy for her, I promise to get her a smaller one.

But she replies innocently, "Bua (father’s sister), how do I know whether it will look as good on me without trying it on?"

I said, "Hmmm! Makes sense honey, but be a little careful. Okay?"

She says, “Okay."

She puts on the turquoise blue beaded necklace, slips on her shimmery Cinderella shoes and catwalks around the house; I mean, literally placing one foot in front of the other like you see those models strutting the runway. Picture a waxen complexioned five-year cute little girl draped in an emerald green dress, her left hand is on her waist, her little handbag is dangling from her right forearm, she is looking straight ahead carrying the expression and the unfaltering attitude of a supermodel, of course with a naughty smile dancing around the corner of her lips, isn’t it too much for a five-year old?

“From where did you learn walking like this?”

“Duh! What’s there to learn about it?”

“Yea! that's your signature walk, huh?”

And she coyly scampers away.

*  *  *

She likes my strawberry pink lip balm, the one that resembles a red lipstick. She looks for it in my drawer but can’t find it so she gives in and finally asks me if I could let her see my lipstick once.

“Baby I don’t wear any lipstick generally, which one are you talking about?”

“The one I saw in the morning. It’s in red and you twist the base to open it.”

“Oh! That’s my lip balm. Here you go. But what will you do with it; your lips are pink already?”

“I like it. May I open this bua?”

“Let me open this for you. You might break it.”

“I will not. I promise. I didn’t break your necklace either. Remember?”

“Okay Honey! Take it.”

She opens the lipstick-looking lip balm, scrutinizes it to her satisfaction and then puts the cap back on. When she puts the cap back on, a feeble sound comes, “Kadak!!!”

She sticks her tongue out in embarrassment but she recovers quickly and utters “Happens bua!!”